Confessions of a Brand Manager

In Business, Interesting, Marketing on June 4, 2009 at 12:00 pm

My name is Brandy and I go to bars.

If I meet a good looking guy and he buys me a drink, I’ll talk to him. To keep him interested, I may let him stare at my boobs, though not for too long. After all, I am not a common floozy, I am, what one might call, an “uncommon courtesan.” I want to be caught, but you gotta chase me to catch me. Guys usually ask for my number, which I readily give. The ones who call always get a first date. If it goes well and he escorts me home, he’ll get a hershey’s kiss goodnight. On a second date, maybe he gets more… it all depends on how krafty he is and how frisky I feel.

Meanwhile, back at the bar are the floozies who’ll take home any stray who buys them a drink. At 11:00 pm, they act just like me, letting guys stare at their boobs. Men can be such silly rabbits, sometimes. But from then on, this is where we differ. By 12:30 am, those girls usually up the ante by getting closer and bending over with increasing frequency. I mean c’mon, how many times can you drop your fork, kleenex or lip gloss? But it happens.  If they are still at the bar an hour later, they’ll inject sexual overtones into the conversation. By then the guys get the message. The 1:50 am “last call” is a bar hopper’s universal cue for him to settle the tab while she decides “your place or mine.”

The next night, courtesans and the floozies, we’re both back at the bar. The difference is that I may be getting together with one of the guys from a previous night for a first or second date. They, on the other hand, end up playing musical barstools to attract the attention of guys with whom they’ve not yet “tickled the ivories.” But it works. I’m looking to be in a relationship that is stable, has depth and offers some long term potential. They’re engaged in transactions, which are usually manageable, incredibly predictable and sometimes electrifying.

An interesting phenomena, of late, has been the influx of guys who show up at the bar at 1:00 am or so. It started with the work-a-holics who finished a hard days work at a law firm or investment bank. They came into the bar to yo-plait with some girls in search of hidden treasures. Their presence attracted more common girls to the bar and converted a few of us uncommon girls to their cause (present company included, what can I say?). The bar’s reputation for its bounty of “easy ass” quickly spread; very soon, every Tom, Dick, Harry & Oscar Mayer started showing up an hour before closing for a little shake-n-bake.

The worse part of it all was the loss of the really nice guys. The ones who used to buy me drinks, pamper my ego, ask for my number and take me out… stopped coming around.  I went from being full time uncommon to part-time uncommon. But then I transformed to  full-time common status and I was workin’ it. In the beginning, I met great guys and we had a lot of great chex. Everything was nice ‘n easy so I didn’t complain. But that situation has diminishing marginal returns. The guys at the bar now are getting lucky without much charm; they are there for one reason and the situation now is downright indecent. From a birdseye view, even Governor Paterson can see that every conversation leads to a bisquick and dirty transaction. If I am ever going to find a man with whom I can build a life, I am going to have to be bold and change the tide. What I need is a fresh start.

The nesquick answer would be to find a new bar but that is probably a short term solution. The story of this bar is the story of all bars.  For an uncommon prize, such as myself, to meet a guy who:

  • values what I have to offer
  • is decent
  • is stable
  • is loyal
  • wants to be in a relationship

I am going to have to try something else.  I believe in true Luvs and I haven’t lost hope. Even Professor Herm is working on a project to help me build stronger relationships and get away from a transactional love life. In the meantime, I’m still hanging out at bars and I’m very easy to find.

My name is Brand Manager (friends call me Brandy) and my favorite bars are called Catalina, Coupons, Valassis and SmartSource. Hmmmmm.


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